We begin with the obligatory recap and tearful confrontation and I quickly remember one thing: Tracy is CRAZY...straight up. And I know that Shay has been through a lot in her life, but I'm definitely getting some drama queen/whoa is me vibes.
After the producers have had enough confrontation for the first two minutes of the show, we cut to your favorite trainers and mine, Bob and Jillian. I love me some Bob! And Jillian is crazy, but I love her too. I need her to bring some of her toughness to my house and take these cookies out of my hands :) She'd make me cry for sure.
After the producers have had enough confrontation for the first two minutes of the show, we cut to your favorite trainers and mine, Bob and Jillian. I love me some Bob! And Jillian is crazy, but I love her too. I need her to bring some of her toughness to my house and take these cookies out of my hands :) She'd make me cry for sure.
Next, I have the following note with no idea how to tie it in, so here goes:
I've played sports for as long as I can remember. Started golf at 4; tee-ball at 5; softball at 7; basketball and volleyball at 9, so I know how to workout. (that's not the note, just a preface - here's the note: ) Maybe I've never worked out hard enough, but I've never sweated that much in my life. These people are raining.
On to some one on one interviews with pretty scenery in the background. Don't get me wrong - I like the insight that comes from the little interview, but I have a major pet peeve that I must get out in the open right here at the beginning - using the term "you" when talking about oneself. For example: Contestant X might say, "When you're there, in that situation, you just have to push yourself to the MAX." Jamie: "Wait, I thought we were talking about him. Is he talking about me? I do, or he does, or you do, or?" I'm confused.
Tracy goes in for her checkup with Dr. what's his initial... We see a flashback from the first episode where she collapsed on the beach and return to Dr. whoever he is telling Tracy that she can't do anything until he clears her. NOTHING. She can't even swim, or make any significant movement other than walking up the stairs to her room and back down to the kitchen to eat. OH CRAP, TRACY! What are you going to do now...and what did you do secretly last week to reinjure yourself so badly...and why can't you cry real tears right now? Don't start unless you can deliver, sister!
Tracy claims she is a panther inside. Complete with crazy eyes, of course. I'm not sure what this means, but I'm hesitantly excited to find out.
First challenge time - our weary but still-excited-to-be-here contestants come into the kitchen to find the cupboards and refrigerator are all padlocked shut. Being the helpful narrator she is, our host Allison, making an early first appearance this week, tells us that it will stay this way ALL WEEK LONG. That's 7 days, people. The contestants will be ordering out every meal for a week. Shoot, even I think that's a little severe. This seems to be a pretty tough bunch so far, but really, EVERY meal for a week?
Here comes the challenge: the teams will be choosing from three chicken dinners, dinner A (poached chicken breast with creamed spinach, some other stuff, a dessert and iced tea), dinner B (rotisserie chicken with skin and more stuff that I didn't write down), or dinner C (BBQ chicken with skin and more accoutrements I forgot to note). The team who picks the healthiest meal of the three gets a kitchen stocked with healthy food for a year. Who wins? Wait, cut to commercial first. Surprised?
And we're back. Don't we all just love Danny. Brown, Pink, and Orange are guessing the calories for the year's supply of healthy eats; we are all at the edge of our seats, I'm sure.. And the winner is....PINK team. Really? Pink? Don't they both probably still live at home with their parents anyway? Why do they need free food for a year? I digress... Orange team's guess was SO close, but just a little over. Anyone who watches Price Is Right all morning every time they're home on a weekday knows all to well...you have to be closest WITHOUT going over.
My unusually quiet but extremely dashing and witty husband, Trevor, said if he guessed last, he would have guessed ONE CALORIE, Allison. Oh snap. He would have lost.
Meanwhile, the show has continued without me. Better start paying attention again. Our contestants are busy ordering in their first meal. Liz is on the phone for what seems like five (5) minutes repeating over and over that she wants her dressing on the side. Something tells me this is going to end badly. Surprise, surprise, NOTHING comes the way they ordered. It's a tough life out there in the real world. You know, the one they left just three (3) short weeks ago. They've gotta learn sometime. Our little babies are all growns up. :)
For some reason they keep cutting to the guy fidgeting with the packet of Extra chewing gum.
On to some one on one interviews with pretty scenery in the background. Don't get me wrong - I like the insight that comes from the little interview, but I have a major pet peeve that I must get out in the open right here at the beginning - using the term "you" when talking about oneself. For example: Contestant X might say, "When you're there, in that situation, you just have to push yourself to the MAX." Jamie: "Wait, I thought we were talking about him. Is he talking about me? I do, or he does, or you do, or?" I'm confused.
Tracy goes in for her checkup with Dr. what's his initial... We see a flashback from the first episode where she collapsed on the beach and return to Dr. whoever he is telling Tracy that she can't do anything until he clears her. NOTHING. She can't even swim, or make any significant movement other than walking up the stairs to her room and back down to the kitchen to eat. OH CRAP, TRACY! What are you going to do now...and what did you do secretly last week to reinjure yourself so badly...and why can't you cry real tears right now? Don't start unless you can deliver, sister!
Tracy claims she is a panther inside. Complete with crazy eyes, of course. I'm not sure what this means, but I'm hesitantly excited to find out.
First challenge time - our weary but still-excited-to-be-here contestants come into the kitchen to find the cupboards and refrigerator are all padlocked shut. Being the helpful narrator she is, our host Allison, making an early first appearance this week, tells us that it will stay this way ALL WEEK LONG. That's 7 days, people. The contestants will be ordering out every meal for a week. Shoot, even I think that's a little severe. This seems to be a pretty tough bunch so far, but really, EVERY meal for a week?
Here comes the challenge: the teams will be choosing from three chicken dinners, dinner A (poached chicken breast with creamed spinach, some other stuff, a dessert and iced tea), dinner B (rotisserie chicken with skin and more stuff that I didn't write down), or dinner C (BBQ chicken with skin and more accoutrements I forgot to note). The team who picks the healthiest meal of the three gets a kitchen stocked with healthy food for a year. Who wins? Wait, cut to commercial first. Surprised?
And we're back. Don't we all just love Danny. Brown, Pink, and Orange are guessing the calories for the year's supply of healthy eats; we are all at the edge of our seats, I'm sure.. And the winner is....PINK team. Really? Pink? Don't they both probably still live at home with their parents anyway? Why do they need free food for a year? I digress... Orange team's guess was SO close, but just a little over. Anyone who watches Price Is Right all morning every time they're home on a weekday knows all to well...you have to be closest WITHOUT going over.
My unusually quiet but extremely dashing and witty husband, Trevor, said if he guessed last, he would have guessed ONE CALORIE, Allison. Oh snap. He would have lost.
Meanwhile, the show has continued without me. Better start paying attention again. Our contestants are busy ordering in their first meal. Liz is on the phone for what seems like five (5) minutes repeating over and over that she wants her dressing on the side. Something tells me this is going to end badly. Surprise, surprise, NOTHING comes the way they ordered. It's a tough life out there in the real world. You know, the one they left just three (3) short weeks ago. They've gotta learn sometime. Our little babies are all growns up. :)
For some reason they keep cutting to the guy fidgeting with the packet of Extra chewing gum.
Wonder how much they paid for that little plug?
Oh yeah, big picture, sorry...After lunch, our defeated and hungry little bunch has the opportunity to pow-wow with Bob and Jillian and bring them up to speed. We learn that Bob and Jillian want to date the contestants. Or at least take them out for supper. What a nice offer. Everyone gets cleaned up and they venture out of the house for the first time in three weeks to eat...
WHAT?! Mexican food. Ooohh..I'm interested...but more interested that Shay is dressed like a fairy. Not like a girly man-type fairy, but like a real-live Tinkerbell fairy; sheery, shimery, lettuce sleeves; light-my-way-through-a-dark-hallway teal eye shadow and all. As if we had any doubt in our little nutritionistas, they forego the chips and salsa after Jillian reminds them to remove temptation. And then she makes the pretty girl cry.
Oh yeah, big picture, sorry...After lunch, our defeated and hungry little bunch has the opportunity to pow-wow with Bob and Jillian and bring them up to speed. We learn that Bob and Jillian want to date the contestants. Or at least take them out for supper. What a nice offer. Everyone gets cleaned up and they venture out of the house for the first time in three weeks to eat...
WHAT?! Mexican food. Ooohh..I'm interested...but more interested that Shay is dressed like a fairy. Not like a girly man-type fairy, but like a real-live Tinkerbell fairy; sheery, shimery, lettuce sleeves; light-my-way-through-a-dark-hallway teal eye shadow and all. As if we had any doubt in our little nutritionistas, they forego the chips and salsa after Jillian reminds them to remove temptation. And then she makes the pretty girl cry.
All joking aside, I am excited about the calorie breakdown that ensued and how they talked through how to actually eat somewhat healthfully at a Mexican place. See, this is why I watch this show. I'm not rotting my brain away on two hours of rediculousness...I'm LEARNING. I'm also a touch devistated that I can't justify eating 6 tacos and 2 bowls of chips and salsa anymore. Maybe I should take a nutrition class though, because I was having a hard time following Jillian's logic.
After dinner, we head back to the ranch, and our host Allison announces that Immunity is hanging on the line. Literally.
Let me just reiterate that I LOVE DANNY!
Tracy shouts how crazy this challenge is. Crazy, huh Tracy? Weird. I giggle at the irony.
The contestants are all forced to put on the smallest lifejackets that I've ever seen and hang from ropes as the platform they once stood on begins to slant more and more, dangling them 12 feet above the pool. We're off and running and one thing is for certain. Although I like her most of the time, our little host Allison does not have a nice yelling voice. On the other hand, I certainly don't envy her having to give a play by play for 12 people hanging from ropes for 5 minutes. Times like this make me very thankful for good editing. Let's jut see who can hang in there the longest, eh?
AAAANNNNDDD the winner is - Daniel! He is beside himself for actually winning and cannot believe he is going to make it past week 4. Having seen him last season, he looks AMAZING. I'm super stoked that he has come so far, especially after his partner was such a supreme chach last season. But the question remains how did he get to come back? Can someone please fill me in? I thought you only got one shot at the show...
I took a couple of things away from this challenge, but the most important question is this: Can we please get these contestants some longer shirts?
After the success of the previous night's rope challenge, we find our contestants in the gym and participating in their Last Chance Workout. Jillian told somebody (Julio maybe?) that she was going to break him in half. Really, Jillian..are you going to break him in half? Literally in half? Like down the middle top to bottom or side to side? Just wondering so I can be prepared. Thanks.
Liz jumps up on a huge agility platform. She only stays for a moment and then falls off on her hyney, but she definitely shows some toughness. Go Liz...you jump up on that platform!
Cut to sad Tracy writhing around and crying on the floor in the house. What in the world is she doing with her time?!? I guess I'd make the most of it and catch up on some reading or something.
Julio says Coach Mo is like an old warrior. What?! Yeah, me neither.
Amongst the hubub in the gym, we see our old warrior Coach Mo doing dips on the bench. He seems to be struggling a little when in the corner of the shot we see some strange man. Who is this man in black with Mo? Seriously..are there more trainers than just Jillian and Bob? Are we being fooled, America? And what just happened to old warrior Coach Mo? I didn't see any injury take place. My bet is that he's at his breaking point and will need to either overcome or quit. Bob thinks old warrior Coach Mo needs to get his head on straight. That's right, MO - YOU OVERCOME!! It's last chance workout, sissays!
The pitter-patter of little sandals under the full moon to the DaVinci Code soundrack can only mean one thing, folks...it's weigh in time!
Really, Allison... Red and pink? Who dresses her? Anywho...we are reminded that one team is going home, and that the orange team is safe this week. It's time to see how they did. Shay wants to weigh in under 400 this week. I'm guessing she didn't quite do 37 pounds since they ate out every meal, but when she puts up a -5, I'm quite impressed. I would have definitely gained 5...or more. Daniel, however lost nothing. Could it be a little game-play in the air? Hmmm...
Green team's up. Abby couldn't work out due to an injury, and as the music crecendos and makes me think we might actually get to see 10 minutes of show without a commercial, we cut to break.
AAAAND we're back. Here's how the rest of the weigh-in went down:
Green
AAAAND we're back. Here's how the rest of the weigh-in went down:
Green
Abby (the sweet southern girl with the touching story): -3
Allen (the firefighter): -7
Blue
Dina (the girl we never hear much from): -5
Rudy (who killed it in his last chance workout): -11
65 pounds in 4 weeks, suckas!! That's CRAZY...I'm glad they have Dr. what's his face monitoring their progress because it seems unhealthy, but I'm excited for him. Can you imagine how motivating that would be?
Brown team - cue Pirates of the Carribbean Music for some reason
Liz in her brown sports bra loses 3.
DANNY (the teddy bear of a guitar player that we LOVE): -8
Look at how our sweet Danny helps Liz off the platform. Can I get a collective "AWWHH"
Purple
CRAZY Tracy is up to her antics...she proceeds to babble on about something for several seconds. I missed it and we don't have Tivo so I have NO IDEA what she said: -4 Are you kidding me right now?? How in the world did she loose 4 pounds without moving a muscle all week? Something doesn't add up for me.
old warrior Coach No MO (the overcomer): -8 Way to go Mo. Unfortunately, right after that, we are forced to witness the most CRAZY awkward hug on the top of the platform..and more SUPER smug panther grins from Tracy..ICK.
Julio is up next. Why do I feel like he doesn't give a rip? We don't see much emotion from him anyway. He loses 4 pounds and realizes it's not enough. I feel a twinge of sadness for him. In unrelated news, is his tongue just huge? Jillian is flabbergasted that he didn't lose more.
Pirates music returns. I feel like Cap'n Jack should be swordfighting Kiera Knightly in the background. It's time for the pink team to weigh in.
Pink Ladies
Amanda: -5
Rebecca: -4
Both are still standing and victorious over evil restaraunt food. I have eaten two more cookies by this point and can't believe that any of them lost weight at all after having to eat out three times a day for a week. That's ALOT of eating out! I'm excited for them, until I realize that DANNY is below the line. I'm strangely confident, however, because I sorta feel like Julio is toast. UNLESS there is some major gameplay and everyone else figures out that 2 gone is better than one. What is UP with this music?! Are they kidding here?
Now might be a good time to ask, what is that clicky sound they make just before they go to commercial? You know, the sound that is supposed to be kind of like the noise you think the TV might make when it shuts off....very computery and pointless??
I hardly have time to eat a final cookie when some elaborate pogo stick house music signals our return. Liz says the black and brown teams are so close so this is going to be a hard choice. Julio makes a speech about giving and receiving and loving and sharing. I gag. Both teams say this is the worst case scenario. I bet the other teams would disagree - afterall, it could be them on the chopping block. They all use the word "journey" several times. GOSH I LOVE DANNY!
Tracy begins with her bulgie-eye-wide-mouthed-fake-cry. Don't start with us, sister. We're not buying.
What's this, a commercial break? Something new and exciting for us. Coming up, the Biggest Loser Transformation moment - see how the eliminated player looks today. Hmmm...Freudian slip, or are they trying to trick us with this singular player comment. Well played, Biggest Loser. Well played.
The license on the Pirates of the Carribbean music must have expired (or been revoked by Disney since they are only in cahoots with ABC - obviously) so the signal is given to cue the Lord of the Rings - Caverns of Mordor soundtrack. Allison puts on her sympathetic face and I'm betting we have at least one more commercial break before this stinkin' ceremony is finished.
Rudy says that the brown team has eachother to keep them going at home. Um, hello Rudy, Jamie here, this is not Biggest Loser Couples...they're not going home together.
I don't remember who voted first and second or who they voted for, but Vote 3 goes to Julio. In case you can't count, Allison reminds us that there are now 2 votes for Julio, one for the brown team. I bet $50 that they interview the teams beforehand and tell them where to sit to increase the suspense.
Trevor is over all the crying and people saying they love eachother. Me too. I just gagged a little, but then again, it could be the FOUR cookies I have eaten during the course of this show.
I wish Tracy would no longer speak. She is a hot mess of contradiction and angst. The violins are really making me nervous. Purple votes for Julio which is weird because as we all know, old warrior Coach Mo is a rock and Tracy never gets her way.
So week four (4) is the end of the line for our big tongued friend, Julio. He says that he's okay with going home because people at home love him and won't let him quit. I hope he's right. His tongue is still huge, but I kinda feel for him right now.
It's Biggest Loser Transformation Moment and wow! Julio looks pretty good. He talks about how he likes to cook everything from scratch and then proceeds to chop tomatoes and dump them into a tossed salad. Wow, Julio's family - way to make that salad from scratch. Nonetheless, he's working hard and looking pretty good.
Before we can leave the silliness for the evening, we get a preview for next week: does Tracy in fact get the golden ticket and the power to choose the teams? We'll have to wait a whole week to find out! This is way too long already, but now it's time for you to sound off and let me know what you thought of this weeks Biggest Loser...
Allen (the firefighter): -7
Blue
Dina (the girl we never hear much from): -5
Rudy (who killed it in his last chance workout): -11
65 pounds in 4 weeks, suckas!! That's CRAZY...I'm glad they have Dr. what's his face monitoring their progress because it seems unhealthy, but I'm excited for him. Can you imagine how motivating that would be?
Brown team - cue Pirates of the Carribbean Music for some reason
Liz in her brown sports bra loses 3.
DANNY (the teddy bear of a guitar player that we LOVE): -8
Look at how our sweet Danny helps Liz off the platform. Can I get a collective "AWWHH"
Purple
CRAZY Tracy is up to her antics...she proceeds to babble on about something for several seconds. I missed it and we don't have Tivo so I have NO IDEA what she said: -4 Are you kidding me right now?? How in the world did she loose 4 pounds without moving a muscle all week? Something doesn't add up for me.
old warrior Coach No MO (the overcomer): -8 Way to go Mo. Unfortunately, right after that, we are forced to witness the most CRAZY awkward hug on the top of the platform..and more SUPER smug panther grins from Tracy..ICK.
Julio is up next. Why do I feel like he doesn't give a rip? We don't see much emotion from him anyway. He loses 4 pounds and realizes it's not enough. I feel a twinge of sadness for him. In unrelated news, is his tongue just huge? Jillian is flabbergasted that he didn't lose more.
Pirates music returns. I feel like Cap'n Jack should be swordfighting Kiera Knightly in the background. It's time for the pink team to weigh in.
Pink Ladies
Amanda: -5
Rebecca: -4
Both are still standing and victorious over evil restaraunt food. I have eaten two more cookies by this point and can't believe that any of them lost weight at all after having to eat out three times a day for a week. That's ALOT of eating out! I'm excited for them, until I realize that DANNY is below the line. I'm strangely confident, however, because I sorta feel like Julio is toast. UNLESS there is some major gameplay and everyone else figures out that 2 gone is better than one. What is UP with this music?! Are they kidding here?
Now might be a good time to ask, what is that clicky sound they make just before they go to commercial? You know, the sound that is supposed to be kind of like the noise you think the TV might make when it shuts off....very computery and pointless??
I hardly have time to eat a final cookie when some elaborate pogo stick house music signals our return. Liz says the black and brown teams are so close so this is going to be a hard choice. Julio makes a speech about giving and receiving and loving and sharing. I gag. Both teams say this is the worst case scenario. I bet the other teams would disagree - afterall, it could be them on the chopping block. They all use the word "journey" several times. GOSH I LOVE DANNY!
Tracy begins with her bulgie-eye-wide-mouthed-fake-cry. Don't start with us, sister. We're not buying.
What's this, a commercial break? Something new and exciting for us. Coming up, the Biggest Loser Transformation moment - see how the eliminated player looks today. Hmmm...Freudian slip, or are they trying to trick us with this singular player comment. Well played, Biggest Loser. Well played.
The license on the Pirates of the Carribbean music must have expired (or been revoked by Disney since they are only in cahoots with ABC - obviously) so the signal is given to cue the Lord of the Rings - Caverns of Mordor soundtrack. Allison puts on her sympathetic face and I'm betting we have at least one more commercial break before this stinkin' ceremony is finished.
Rudy says that the brown team has eachother to keep them going at home. Um, hello Rudy, Jamie here, this is not Biggest Loser Couples...they're not going home together.
I don't remember who voted first and second or who they voted for, but Vote 3 goes to Julio. In case you can't count, Allison reminds us that there are now 2 votes for Julio, one for the brown team. I bet $50 that they interview the teams beforehand and tell them where to sit to increase the suspense.
Trevor is over all the crying and people saying they love eachother. Me too. I just gagged a little, but then again, it could be the FOUR cookies I have eaten during the course of this show.
I wish Tracy would no longer speak. She is a hot mess of contradiction and angst. The violins are really making me nervous. Purple votes for Julio which is weird because as we all know, old warrior Coach Mo is a rock and Tracy never gets her way.
So week four (4) is the end of the line for our big tongued friend, Julio. He says that he's okay with going home because people at home love him and won't let him quit. I hope he's right. His tongue is still huge, but I kinda feel for him right now.
It's Biggest Loser Transformation Moment and wow! Julio looks pretty good. He talks about how he likes to cook everything from scratch and then proceeds to chop tomatoes and dump them into a tossed salad. Wow, Julio's family - way to make that salad from scratch. Nonetheless, he's working hard and looking pretty good.
Before we can leave the silliness for the evening, we get a preview for next week: does Tracy in fact get the golden ticket and the power to choose the teams? We'll have to wait a whole week to find out! This is way too long already, but now it's time for you to sound off and let me know what you thought of this weeks Biggest Loser...
Lovingly and of course all in good fun,
Jamie
5 comments:
oh.my.word.
you literally took the words right out of my mouth.
LOVE me some BL...tracy? gag. I wanted to slap her...or punch her, either way.
Julio's tongue? Hilarious. Katie thought he talked like John Candy, couldn't move his lips to speak.
Love Danny and Abby. Can't handle Shay or the dumb girl that always says "america voted for me."...not me, I would have voted for the other girl, easily. Did you catch her saying "I beat her. I got us past elimination..." or something like that, something that gave herself all the credit.
Luke goes crazy with the ads...Extra gum, Subway, Brita, etc.
Katie NEEDS to read this. Ah.may.zing. See you for next week's episode? por favor!
Wow, Jamie. Good recap. I don't have to watch it now! I loved your insights, your editorial comments, and your sidebars. I felt like I was sitting there with you, enjoying the circus! Seriously, though, I do like Biggest Loser. As a reality show hater, generally, it's refreshing to know there's at least one out there with some kind of redeeming qualities. Can't wait for the next installment! Love ya! Kathleen
I cannot tell you how much I loved this!! Hilarious!!
So.....now I have to go back and watch some parts over again.
Thanks for the laughs, my sweet friend!!
This was too funny! :) Thanks for the re-cap.
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